realising that we were an amazing woman that they’ve lost, realising that they were indeed an assclown, pursuing us after we’ve dumped them/done no contact, recognising their ‘issues’, recognising that what they did was ‘wrong’, and having a thunderbolt of clarity that leads to them racing back into our lives and us living happily ever after.Some of these men have the compassion of a stone, some live on me-me-me island, some just can’t see past their nose never mind their penises, and some have absolutely zero interest in understanding a damn thing that comes out of your mouth. While the answers to that question are many and often complex, there is a growing body of research suggesting that there are four negative risk factors- four negative behavior patterns that create barriers in a marriage and increase a couple’s chances for marital failure.In one key studiy, researchers followed a sample of 135 couples for twelve years, starting before they were married, and were able to differentiate those couples who do well from those who do not, with up to 91% accuracy.* My experience of working with thousands of couples over the past seventeen years is definitely congruent with these findings.They acknowledged that they were taking each other for granted and that their jobs got the best of them. They decided to switch their priorities and focus first on each other’s feelings and needs and to (2) Become interested in how your spouse is feeling. You had an insatiable interest in each other’s feelings and what would make each other happy.Over the years you may have shifted focus away from your partner and more towards yourself.
You want him to see something that he just doesn’t see. They look at themselves in the mirror and think ‘I’m a great catch, I just haven’t found the right woman yet and she’s just crazy and needy.’ Do you really think that people who think like this are going to think ‘Ah.just wants me to understand…’?
So critical in fact, that parenting experts report that it’s one of the most important things a parent can do to foster healthy psychological development in their children (Read: The Power of Validation by Karyn D. Denying someone’s feelings and emotional experience can make them feel like they’re going insane!
Validation is a critical communication tool and expression of love and acceptance in relationships. What’s scary, it can be one of the most subtle and inadvertent abuses.
This may be done by denying, minimizing, ridiculing, ignoring, or judging the other’s feelings or perceptions.
Regardless of the means, the effect is clear: the other person’s feelings are judged as “unimportant” or “wrong.” Invalidation can take many forms.